PERFECTIONISM is the Enemy of FREEDOM

Pesach is around the corner and I'm thinking: what do I want to focus on at my seder table with my adolescent children who can now carry intelligent conversations and think about things in a deeper and more complex way?  Afterall, our exodus from Egypt is not just a historical event and with kids, the way to facilitate spiritual connection is through relatable modern-day experiences.  The common focus is to discuss what each of us finds ourselves enslaved to in our lives and how we can access our personal freedom, but we've been down that road before and it hadn't hit home the way I'd want a good juicy introspective theme to do.  So, I came up with IMPERFECTION. 

The significance of IMPERFECTION at our seder:

Social media is constantly whispering the importance of perfectionism in order to be ok in this world: perfection in how we look, how we choose to spend our time, the people we are spending time with, the messages we choose to share, our educational and career accomplishments; all these messages are deeply internalized by our kids, especially at the developmental stage where fitting in and belonging is of utmost importance.  We find ourselves imprisoned to achieving the impossible - a flawless self, something that will be impressive to others.  This form of imprisonment is the worst kind because we don't even realize that it's self-inflicted and feeds a faulty sense of "I'm OK in the world as long as...".  

PERFECTIONISM: A Trauma Response

Perfectionism isn't only an influence of social messaging.  If one grew up in a home where the only way that they were accepted or valued was if (s)he achieved something or behaved perfectly, then one learned that "this is what I must do to be accepted and valued".  How can one abandon perfectionism when it's the self-worth life vest that (s)he's been wearing since childhood?  Perfectionism gives us a (false) sense of control and certainty.  It quiets down the anxiety when we succeed, but it exacerbates it if we don't.  The cycle of push again and push harder only continues to entrap us in a self-critical cycle of not good enough.  Letting go and going with the flow is terrifying for a perfectionist.  As a trauma therapist, I often tell my clients "Put down the whip, you don't deserve that pain, and instead, respond to yourself the way you would to someone whom you love dearly who made an honest mistake, or was limited in her resources and did the best she could with the tools that she had".  When we allow ourselves to make mistakes or to come short of the 100%, we accept our humanity and can finally BREATHE.  Leaving room for imperfection doesn't mean that you won't try your best, I assure you! It just means that you are redefining where your worth and value comes from, and with that, you will find freedom.  

Back to the Seder

When we let go of perfectionism, we don't just make room for our humanity, but also for humility.  Matzah represents simplicity and humility.  As we acquire so much "fluff" throughout the year, on Pesach, we consciously let it go.  The question is, can we show up at the seder with our simple selves, making room for G-d, the only real Perfectionist?

So, this year, I will decorate our seder table to be beautifully imperfect, and I will invite my family to look for all the parts of the hagaddah that symbolize imperfection and talk about how that very imperfection is exactly how it needed to be.  We will open a discussion about our humanity, which comes equipped with flaws and mistakes and talk about embracing our whole selves with compassion, even though it might be very uncomfortable.  Compassion is at the heart of our exodus as G-d heard the cries of His children and took us out with tremendous force and urgency.  When we can successfully raise our tolerance to the discomfort of imperfection, my hope is that my children will gain a new perspective of this powerful source of freedom.  Chag Sameach!