The following are 3 proven tips towards building a secure, fulfilling and loving marriage...
1 – It’s not the two of us, rather we are three – myself, my spouse and the sacred space between us.
The question is what am I doing to make this space safe, inviting, and even fun for my partner –a space they want to be in? The first step is being aware and conscious of this space between us. The metaphor I share with the couples I work with is this space as a garden. Am I tending to my garden, watering it, working the ground, actively involved with it on a daily basis? If I am, there’s a great chance that beautiful trees and flowers will grow and flourish. So too in marriage. If I am actively engaged, investing my time and energy in us and making sure that this space between us is safe for my spouse, well then, I’m greatly increasing the chance we will connect and begin to really see and hear one another.
2 – Are You Available?
These three words are a ‘check-in’ with my spouse. Is there something I want to share with the other? Perhaps you can recall that experience of wanting to share something with your husband or wife, and, often underlying this was a desire to connect, become closer. What happened at times? Perhaps we were met with indifference, or a sour face, or even irritability or anger. Very quickly all of our excitement and desire for connection turned to disappointment (if not a sense of rejection or a feeling of resentment). In beginning with the question – “are you available?”
, we are asking our partner are you open emotionally and mentally to listen to me, to see me, to connect, to come into my world for a moment? And, it’s totally understandable, and human, if they say – “at the moment, I am not so available; actually, I am upset, irritable, or perhaps tired from long day of work”. But, it does not end here. Now it becomes my partner’s (the one who is currently not available) responsibility to initiate an encounter between us in which they are available and interested in connecting. Ideally, this should be relatively soon after, at least before we go to sleep.
3 – Having fun, and often!
I know, this is an obvious one, and, yet, many of the couples I work with never get to this, at
least not as often as they’d like to. With careers, kids and a million other really important things that take up our day, carving out time for the two of us to go out and have fun, enjoy each other’s company and life!, … not such an easy task. Yet, us having fun on a regular basis is vital to a happy and fulfilling marriage.
These three tips are just a small glimpse into the work I do as a couples and marriage therapist to help couples to rediscover and deepen their connection through learning a new way of communicating. As you both begin to feel more understood, really seeing one another, those places and moments of conflict and distance are transformed into places of intimacy and healing.
Learning skills, ideas and concepts based on an eclectic blend of the most effective, research-based couples therapies (Imago, EFT and Gottman
) as well as Attachment Theory and Somatic Experiencing
, couples become empowered, experiencing progress and movement relatively quickly. Certainly in the session, but even more important, between sessions, couples in my clinic find themselves building a relationship of intimacy. They are encouraged by their ability to take more personal responsibility and witness their relationship becoming less reactive and more conscious.
Investing in a secure and fulfilling relationship is one of the most important and rewarding decisions we can make. Feel free to contact me to learn more about how you and your spouse can make it a reality.