Cultivating Self-Care

What is self-care?

In its most general sense, self-care is often equated with self-pampering.  Given this notion, it can be seen as selfish.  However, that idea is mistaken.

Establishing boundaries and fostering differentiation 

Merriam-Webster defines a boundary as "something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent."  Within a relationship, you set -- or don't set or poorly set -- limitations on what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do.

Differentiation is a little trickier.  To be able to differentiate means that you can be you and I can be me while simultaneously existing in the relationship of we.  Differentiation runs on a continuum.

People in low-differentiated relationships often feel as though they are "losing themselves" and can subsequently feel bad about themselves and/or resentment towards the other person.  When differentiation is high (think: strong), there is plenty of room for both the I and the we to exist and thrive.

Meeting your basic and not-so-basic needs

Self-care is also just as it sounds:  self-care, or care of self.  This includes making sure that your basic needs are met, such as drinking enough water, choosing healthy foods, movement, and so forth.  Often much of this self-care happens without too much thought, is part of a routine, and is something we've done our whole lives.  However, this cannot be assumed.  For some, this form, and other forms, of self-care is not so simple.

Just as we are complex beings, our needs are complex:  Do I feel safe?  Am I attuned to my emotions?  Can I connect to a place greater than myself?  Am I able to navigate my environment in a way that is satisfying to me?  Do I find my stressors consuming, prompting me to find healthier ways to manage them?  Am I tapping into my creative self, however that manifests?  The self‑exploration fundamental to understand and meet your needs is endless, and it is a lifetime process.  Being patient with yourself through this process is also self-care.

The fun stuff

There is definitely a place for doing what you enjoy -- and it is not selfish.  And truthfully, we often underestimate the power of such.  Perhaps it is taking a walk by yourself, having coffee with a trusted friend, or spending time with your spouse outside of the day-to-day.  Don't hesitate to treat yourself when appropriate.

The first step

Ask yourself the following questions:

• What is my relationship with the notion of self-care?
• How do I define self-care?
• What would I like my self-care to look like?
• How would my life be different if I were to implement this?
• Is this something I can work through myself or do I need a professional to accompany me on this journey?

Esther Avital Gottesman, MSc is a psychotherapist in private practice in Beitar Illit and Jerusalem.  She is also a staff therapist at The Family Institute of Neve Yerushalayim.  She specializes in trauma but works with a wide range of mental health issues, including anxiety and depression.