10 Ways to Improve a Marriage
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were just “10 do it yourself fix it solutions to improve a marriage?” Since as of yet that option does not exist, there is still help out there. Based on my many years of experience with couples, I have seen some common threads that can be utilized to assist any marriage gain a positive momentum assuming that that the spouses are not suffering from severe mental illnesses and or personality disorders. These exclusions are a different venue altogether.
1. Couples have a tendency to dredge up past battles in addition to the present ones to add more ammunition to prove their spouses wrong and at fault. This has been substantiated as a sure path to a destructive relationship. This behavior only reinforces the couple’s past painful and bitter experiences. Being able to relinquish those raw memories and just deal with the present issues at hand allows the couple to possibly resolve their present conflict instead of impossibly resolving past “sins”..
2. Couples have to be able to see their spouses as who they are, not how they would like them to be. Comparing a spouse to an idealized other just confirms to one’s spouse how inadequate he or she is perceived to be. This approach only deteriorates any connection that a couple has as no one wants to be shown that he or she is deficient, or not as competent as Jan Smith or Jon Doe.
3. Couples who are flexible and not rigid are able to bounce back, are more forgiving, and less anxious. Instead of forcing one’s beliefs on the other or insisting that they are the ones who are “right”, a couple needs to be able to look at other viable solutions and alternatives that might work for both of them.
4. Couples need to be able to move forward and not continue to remain stuck in their own abyss. They each need to make some kind of change in their attitude, behavior, or thought pattern to help spur some positive momentum in their relationship.
5. Couples need to speak in terms of “WE” not “I”. Couples who view themselves in terms of a team effort rather than as isolated factors will tend to work together instead of against each other.
6. Couples need to take the time out to see their partner’s standpoint and point of view no matter how different and difficult it might be. This would allow for spouses to become more sensitive to each other’s needs.
7. Couples need to respect their spouse’s opinions irregardless of how ludicrous or unreasonable they might seem to them. They do not have to agree. They do need to respectfully disagree. Name calling, ridiculing, and being sarcastic will not change the other spouse’s opinion rather it will accomplish the exact opposite and solidify the hurt spouse’s position even further making it more difficult for any positive change. Once a spouse feels offended or demeaned he or she will respond adversely and the effects are cumulative.
8. Couples need to be careful and mindful of watching what they say and how they say any so called “constructive criticisms” as these offensive comments can cause irreversible damage to any relationship. Unfortunately, due to the many “triggers” that emerge, spouses often shoot off statements that are caustic and reverberating resulting in injured feelings, distancing, and eventual avoidance of each other as a means of self protection, hardly conducive for bonding.
9. Couples should make a point of sharing an activity together to promote a warm connection. This activity should be agreed upon by both spouses and maintained on a weekly basis as much as possible as this would be something for the couple to look forward to. i.e. walks, game playing, listening to music, lectures, etc. This is proven to be a healthy ritual for the couple. In addition, this ritual would confirm to one’s children (if they have children) that mom and dad are a unit who make the effort to spend time with each other. A couple would be role modeling a positive behavior to be modeled by their children in their future relationships.
10. Couples should take the time to develop themselves individually and together. Spouses can have each of their own interests and their mutual interests. They can grow individually and together, becoming more interested in and interesting to each other.
