Your question touches on many important aspects. Shared values are very important and, in my opinion, a fundamental premise when choosing a life partner. Interestingly, Gottman’s assessment questions about shared values are not about hobbies, but about beliefs and goals regarding finances, housework and childcare, spirituality, religion, ethics, and also having fun together. According to Gottman’s research, friendship is by far the most important foundation of a happy and long-lasting relationship. It means being interested in your partner and continuously updating your knowledge of their wishes, experiences, dreams, and changes over time. Enjoying the same things and having shared hobbies is certainly a plus, but according to Gottman’s research, a good marriage does not depend on it. Over time, we all change, and a strong friendship can help partners support each other’s changes, growth, and dreams. This is part of a process of differentiation and individuation that often follows the first years of a relationship, when the bond tends to be more symbiotic and based on how similar we are. When both partners share the highs and lows of life and feel supported throughout this individuation process, the relationship deepens and tends to become more pleasurable and fruitful. Symbiotic expectations and the dream of an ideal relationship gradually give way to a more supportive, realistic, and interesting one. And perhaps most importantly, friendship is not something that either exists or does not exist. Like intimacy, it can be cultivated and strengthened throughout the years if both partners remain curious about each other and continue investing in the relashionship. Eager to hear more opinions about it!

Thanks for your informative reply. Although I understand how in the world at large—and even in many frum circles—relationships may start off strongly symbiotic, as you and Gottman suggest, moving from a 'we' to an 'I,' things are different in my community. In many religious circles, such as the one I am part of, couples start off as total strangers aside from shared common values and goals, plus an initial 'click.' They are then encouraged to build into this 'we'—this unity. In the beginning, friendship is barely there, if not just budding, and the marriage is heavily based on shared values, which may change over time. In short, the friendship that Gottman points out as so crucial hardly gets its foot in the door. When a marriage is based entirely on values and goals, any change creates automatic friction. If everything is based on those baseline values, I think it sets the relationship up for failure if anything shifts, because if personal shared interests are treated as less important, where exactly is that crucial friendship supposed to come from? You write that 'strong friendship can help partners support each other’s changes, growth, and dreams' and that 'friendship... can be cultivated and strengthened throughout the years if both partners remain curious about each other and continue investing in the relationship.' Sharing each other's dreams and remaining curious works well if there is a foundation of friendship to start with. In my marriage, our dreams conflict (and my dreams actually scare my wife), and she is not curious about me out of fear of how different my values and goals may have become. Meanwhile, when I think of her dreams, I feel stifled and lose some respect. Your answer falls short for me because it doesn't really address my issue, or the reality for many others who likely face this same problem. This includes many daters in frum circles who are encouraged to build the entirety of their beginning on a mountain of shared values as the pinnacle, while friendship is barely discussed.