Making the First Call: A Guide to Choosing the Right Therapist for You

“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

— Martin Luther King Jr.

Congratulations! You’ve decided to take that heroic step and seek the assistance of a therapist. Perhaps it is for yourself, perhaps it is for your marriage, or maybe you’ve made the decision on behalf of your child who is a minor.

Now comes that phone call. When you call someone who at this point is a complete stranger and you try to decipher whether they’re the person for you/your marriage/your child.

This initial call with a therapist is an emotional mix of hope, vulnerability, and fear. Whether you've been thinking about it for weeks or called because you had a gut feeling, you're taking a courageous step. But when you're on the phone with your potential therapist, what should you actually ask?

This initial phone call is your opportunity to receive information and, more importantly, to begin sensing whether this therapist may be the right one for you.

Consider this call an exchange of mutual discovery. You are not simply a passive recipient of information; you are an active participant in discovering someone who can journey with you on this process.

The Most Important Thing: The Therapeutic Relationship

Before you delve into logistics or modalities, try to tune into how you feel on the call. Do you feel heard?

Do you sense that the therapist is present and thoughtful in response?

Even a brief call can give clues to the future relationship.

Therapy works best when there is trust, safety, and a sense of being in someone's care who gets it. The modality, which is like the "brand" of therapy, is not so important as the quality of the relationship you share with your therapist. In fact, research over and over again shows that the working alliance is the ultimate predictor of a successful outcome from therapy.

Good Questions to Ask (and Why):

"How many years of experience do you have in treating [your most serious problem, i.e., anxiety, relationship issues, trauma]?" This helps you understand the areas the therapist specializes in and whether they have good experience with what is getting you to therapy. You have to understand whether they have experience successfully working with people who have the same type of issues.

"How would you characterize your overall approach to therapy?" This allows you to get a brief idea of their theoretical orientation (e.g., psychodynamic, cognitive-behavioral, humanistic). You don't need a detailed theory, but having an idea of their overall framework can give you a sense of what they are doing.

"How much do you charge and do you accept my insurance or do you have a sliding scale?" Practicalities are important. Knowing the cost up front avoids surprises and makes therapy something you can manage.

"What is your availability?" This is a basic but important question. You should know if their availability will work with your schedule.

"How do you deal with cancellations?" It is useful to know the therapist's policy regarding missed or canceled sessions in order to manage expectations.

"Do you offer an initial consultation session, and if so, how much does it cost?" Some therapists offer a brief, often lower-fee, initial session to meet in person (or online) and assess whether you feel comfortable with each other. This is a valuable time for a more in-depth discussion.

"What can I expect during our initial session?" This could help relieve any anxiety over the mysterious and gives you an idea of their approach.

"Do you have supervision?" It is important to inquire of the therapist if they have supervision because it ensures they are operating ethically and always under the watchful eye of experienced practitioners. This way, they are able to notice blind spots, refine their skills, and in the end, provide you with a higher quality of care. It indicates that they are dedicated to professional development and offers an indirect layer of support for your therapy experience.

The Most Important Question (Even if Unspoken):

In addition to the unique questions, observe closely how the therapist interacts. Do they actively listen? Do they respond to your questions respectfully and clearly? Do you sense warmth and real curiosity? This first conversation holds vital information about their communication style and how you would feel in a session with them.

"What do I do about [a specific problem] now?" As much as relief right now is tempting, a rapid call isn't the moment for extensive problem-solving or counseling. Therapy is a process, and initial contact is all about finding fit, not obtaining solutions immediately.

"How can you guarantee that I will be improved by [time frame]?"

Therapy is an extremely individualistic process with no guaranteed outcome or timeline. A therapist who guarantees a timeframe is possibly a red flag. Instead, notice their style and experience.

Providing a full life history: While you will share your story in treatment, the initial call is to take down minimum information and determine connection. Keep your explanation of why you're coming to therapy to a minimum.

The Pitfalls of Pre-Determining Your Therapy Modality

You might have read up and be pretty sure that you need a specific type of therapy (like EFT, CBT or IFS). Being knowledgeable is excellent, but it's absolutely essential to remain open-minded. This is why rigidly sticking to a particular modality before consulting with a therapist can be limiting.

The Therapeutic Relationship is Most Critical: Research time and again proves that the most vital component of effective therapy is the state of the relationship between you and your therapist. Effective contact with a therapist who operates with a different modality might prove far more beneficial than an ineffective relationship with a person who does your favorite.

Therapists Often Combine Approaches: Trained therapists tend to be integrative, combining various therapeutic approaches based on your individual needs. They can combine aspects of multiple modalities, so the rigid label is no longer applicable.

You Might Not Know What You Actually Need: What we think we need is not always the most helpful approach. A good therapist will assess your situation and recommend the best course of treatment, possibly something you have not thought of.

Emphasis on Connection and Trust:

Lastly, the initial phone call should enable you to pose these simple questions to yourself:

Do I feel comfortable and secure conversing with this person?

Do I sense that they are actually listening and understanding me?

Do I sense that they have the knowledge and capability to help me?

Do I sense that my therapist will be professional and keep professional boundaries and confidentiality?

These positive feelings of safety, trust, and faith in your therapist's competence are the building blocks of an effective therapeutic relationship. This is fertile ground where healing and growth can take place.

So, take a deep breath, prepare a few introspective questions to ask, and trust your instincts when you make that initial phone call. It's the start of what might be an experience of a lifetime, and having the right therapist for this journey is essential.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker, therapist and EMDR practitioner who lives and works in Jerusalem. He is a certified trauma therapist with a private practice. Additionally, he also sees clients who would like to take a cognitive approach (e.g. DBT, CBT, REBT) towards reaching their desired outcome.

He has been writing and speaking publicly about child sex abuse prevention since 2017.

To speak with Yisroel about speaking at a child safety event or to discuss a personal case, email him here.

To learn more about Yisroel and to read older articles, check out his website www.ympicker.com