Dina and David, Disconnected

Dina and David cared deeply about each other and very much wanted to live happily together. Yet, despite their best intentions, they were finding themselves entangled in arguments over and over. Each repeated clash left each of them feeling angry, hurt and worried about the future of their relationship. “Things are totally fine and suddenly we're fighting again!” David said one day to a close friend. David described a recent argument that began with Dina telling him that she was upset because he doesn't seem to care about her. David, for his part, was flabbergasted. He had just finished a full day of work and had even stopped on the way home to pick up a few grocery items for the family. “Everything I did today was for you and the kids! How can you say I don't care about you!?” Tensions rose from there until eventually, Dina and David retreated to their corners, saddened and confused; each wondering, “How did we end up here?”

The fictional vignette of Dina and David likely resonates with many couples. Often, people find that even though they're trying their best in their relationships, they're still somehow “missing” their spouse, generating disappointment and frustration rather than connection and understanding. In our example, Dina was expecting an empathetic response from David upon telling him that she was upset and David was angered by the suggestion that he does not show care to Dina.

Obviously, there can be any number of dynamics at play between Dina and David, and therefore there’s no single recipe that is sure to ease their shared distress. Nonetheless, let’s look at a simple - though not always easy - change that could be implemented to shift the nature of their communication. If Dina and David could begin to speak more explicitly about their needs and feelings, and do so in a non-blaming manner, it’s possible that their interactions would yield results that are more emotionally satisfying for each of them.

Reconnecting with Clear Conversation

Let’s return to Dina and David to see how more explicit communication set them on a more connected path:

When they were feeling calmer and more ready to listen to each other without needing to defend themselves, David invited Dina to discuss how they were each feeling. David started, “You said that you feel that I don’t care about you. I don’t understand why you feel that way. There’s so much that I do that shows that I care.”

Dina responded, “I know that you work hard and it’s because you’re devoted to me and the children, but I don't want to have to conclude that you care about me based only on things that you do. What you say to me matters a lot too. It would mean a lot to hear from you words that show that you care.” Dina followed with a surprisingly simple example for her husband to try. “I'd like it if you made a point to ask me how my day was - that's one small way I'd know that you care about me.”

For his part, David was surprised and even a little skeptical that asking a small, pre-scripted question could make a big difference, especially when considering that he did so much already and Dina was still feeling uncared for. He shared his confusion with Dina. Dina explained, “When you turn to me and ask me how my day was, I feel that you care. That's how I show other people in my life that I care. It opens a door for us to share and connect.”

David thanked Dina for making her need explicit and, going forward, made sure to ask how her day went after coming home. “Once she told me what she wanted, I was happy to do it. Had she not told me that asking about her day would be meaningful to her, I wouldn't have thought it necessary, since I'm showing her that I care in so many other ways. And besides, I usually tell her about my day at work, and she usually tells me what happened at home while I was out.”

In this example, once Dina and David could speak in a non-blaming manner, they were able to articulate their feelings and their needs, leading to feelings of understanding and support. They further corrected course by incorporating a change in their daily routine (asking “how was your day?”) that directly addressed an emotional need and increased positive engagement.