4 Ways NOT to Apologize to Your Spouse

"Love means never having to say you're sorry." So goes a famous line from an old movie. I couldn't disagree more. Hurts, slights, and offenses occur in every marriage. Couples occupy the same spaces, literally and figuratively, and it’s inevitable that they will clash or disappoint each other from time to time. When that happens, an apology is a major part of making amends.

Because saying sorry is something we’re taught to do from a very young age, it's a practice that’s familiar to us. Nonetheless, our apologies deserve a closer look because an apology done well can be magical, while an apology worded poorly can be surprisingly destructive. In fact, it’s not uncommon for a husband or wife to sincerely offer an apology to their spouse, only to find that it somehow caused even more anger or sadness. The apologizer is bewildered: “But I apologized!” they'll say. And often they'll continue with: “I can never say anything right! Even when I apologize, I’m doing something wrong!”

Let’s take a look at some of the most common mistakes made when apologizing and see how they can be done better:

1. “I’m sorry, but…”

This is one of the most common mistakes people make when apologizing. It’s very tempting to include in an apology an explanation of why you did what you did, or your take on why, perhaps, your spouse should not be so insulted.

The problem is that your add-on becomes a take-away. Now is not the time to mount your defense, it's solely a time to do what you started doing - apologizing. Leave out the “but” and any other qualifiers.

2. “I’m sorry if…”

A real apology requires acknowledging that you did something - intentionally or not, understandably or not - that hurt your spouse. If, for example, you say, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you yesterday when I corrected you in public,” you’re implicitly conveying that whether you actually caused any harm is debatable, even though your spouse feels embarrassed.

Your spouse may be completely unmoved by this apology, or, worse, they may feel even more hurt. This is because apologizing requires acknowledging what you’ve done and taking full responsibility for it. In our example, by saying ‘“if,” you are not acknowledging that you necessarily embarrassed your spouse. You and your spouse won’t be able to move on from the hurt until you're both in full agreement that your spouse was embarrassed and you have taken responsibility for it.

So, instead of “I’m sorry if…,” go with “I’m sorry that…”

3. “I’m sorry that you…”

“I’m sorry that…” is the right start, but if the next word is “you,” you’ve made a wrong turn. Here’s an example: “I’m sorry that you felt demeaned by the way I spoke.” Read that again carefully to spot the problem. Or better yet, imagine that this apology was said to you. How would it make you feel? Though this apology starts off right, it goes wrong when you apologize for how your spouse felt. To apologize effectively and meaningfully you need to apologize for what you did, not for how your spouse felt. A proper apology should start with “I’m sorry that I…”

4. “I’m sorry for what I did; I know how bad it is to be treated that way”

This one’s particularly tricky. An example would sound like this: “I’m sorry that I did x (great start), I know that my words hurt you (excellent follow-through), I should know (uh oh), it hurt me terribly when you did the same to me” (ouch). The apology started out well, but went awry in two ways. The first is that the apology became not about the feelings of your spouse, but about the your own experience. It’s fine and encouraged to talk with your spouse about your emotional experiences, but not at this time. An apology is the time to focus on the feelings of your spouse. To make matters worse, the apologizer used this as an opportunity to raise the past mistakes of the spouse. This isn’t an apology, this is an “attackapology.”

In short, a proper apology requires taking full responsibility for what you have done, acknowledging its consequences, and committing to make things better.

Remember, even apologizing the right way is not always easy and therefore couples require practice to get it right. When your spouse errs in his or her earnest attempt to make amends, be kind and understanding. Express appreciation for the intent and don’t be afraid to tell your spouse the words that you need to hear to be able to move on. This is the kind of work that moves relationships forward!