Why You Should Go to Sleep Angry

Dan and Dev were driving home from a wedding when a misunderstanding between them swelled into a full-blown argument.  It started when one of them grumbled about how late they had arrived and how much of the wedding they missed, causing the other to feel blamed and to counter by sharing an equally ill-received observation; things spiraled from there.  By the time they arrived home after their long and contentious drive, the hour was late and they were exhausted.  However, rather than heading to bed, Dan recalled the advice he’d received before marriage: “Never go to sleep angry.”  So, with his agitation simmering, he approached Dev with a recap of his main points followed by his declaration that the matter ought now be put to rest.  Dev listened despite her fatigue, but was incensed anew by Dan’s summary of the last two hours. Before long, Dev and Dan were entangled in the same heated argument, and as the night wore on their frustration grew and their aggravation increased.  They finally quit their efforts as the clock showed precious few hours left in the night, each of them feeling tired and frustrated.  Not surprisingly, they each woke up the next morning feeling drained and resentful. 
 
What Went Wrong and Why? 
 
Often, people, especially newlyweds, feel compelled to follow the popular advice against going to sleep angry, only to find that the effort works like a Chinese finger trap - the harder they try to escape, the harder the escape becomes.  In fact, there are good reasons a late-night push for repair does not have high chances of success, and a couple would actually be better advised to simply go to sleep.  Here are three: 
 
1.  For any argument where tensions have run high and reconciliation is in order, the best prescription for reconciliation starts with some distance.  Two people engaged in argument, having spent considerable time focused on the source of their anger, easily lose sight of the bigger picture.  With time and its afforded opportunity to focus elsewhere, they often begin to see the matter differently.  In the interim, they may consider the disagreement from the other’s perspective or view it in light of the “bigger picture” which can include the many positives in their relationship or other aspects of life that make the current crisis seem trivial in comparison.  Only a break in the action offers the gift of a fresh perspective.

2.  Time doesn't just allow for considering the topic differently. It also lets our physiology return to a calm state.  When feeling angry, threatened, or attacked, our internal functioning shifts and the tools needed for reconciliation become harder to access.  Consider how your heartbeat rises when you’re angry, and consider how that “activated” sensation is incongruous with reaching out to another with compassion and understanding.   A late-night press for peace does not give our bodies needed time to recalibrate. 

3.  Another valuable asset we lose when deferring sleep for conversation is… sleep.  Sleep goes a long way in recharging and resetting our bodies and minds.  If you and your spouse are aiming to exit a quagmire, you’ll both be less equipped for the task when deprived of sleep.  On the other hand, a good night’s sleep will enable you to approach the challenge with renewed reservoirs of your best qualities.

 
A (Less Popular, but) Better Alternative 
 
Those who counsel against going to sleep angry mean well, and there's merit to their guidance.  Indeed, forgiving others and releasing grudges before bed is a noble practice.  However, endeavoring to reconcile when conditions aren't right often backfires; in such circumstances, doing less yields more.   Simply put, when the hour is late and the mood is sour, Dev and Dan - or anyone in their shoes - should elect to go to sleep.   
 
While this may be hard, they should recall that after a reasonable amount of sleep and some distance from the incendiary event, they’ll be better suited to constructively re-engage and work toward resolution. 
 
Importantly, this strategy comes with a crucial caveat for the couple: when choosing sleep over an attempt to reconciliate, they must still communicate. They must verbalize that they’ve opted to disengage because they believe that doing so is what’s best for now, and that going to sleep now is not ignoring the conflict at hand. Rather, it's a calculated strategy to increase their odds of successfully navigating the current strait later on.  Such a message can sound something like this: “I know we’re in a bad place right now, and I’d like to get to a better place.  Rather than trying now when it’s late and we’re agitated, I’d like to come back to this tomorrow, after we’ve slept and had time to reflect; even though pausing here is hard.”  Saying this lets your spouse know that adjourning at this point is an act of caring and not of abandoning.   
 
In truth, even when the hour is not late and the parties are not spouses, taking a break before attempting to reconcile is a strategy worth including in the playbook of every relationship.