Lesson from a Construction Site: Don't Dismiss the Scaffolding in Your Relationships

Anyone who’s ever lived in a city is familiar with scaffolding. It’s “a temporary structure on the outside of a building, made usually of wooden planks and metal poles, used by workers while building, repairing, or cleaning the building.”  It’s also unsightly; no one finds it pleasing in any way.  In fact, in 2023 the mayor of New York City led a major initiative to remove approximately 400 miles of long-standing sidewalk scaffolding across the city.  And yet–scaffolding is necessary.  It provides a safe and secure platform to ensure a building’s sound maintenance.  

In other words, scaffolding is not pretty, but absolutely vital.  It is for that reason that it makes for an apt metaphor when speaking with people about improving their relationships. The metaphor is relevant to all interpersonal relationships, but we’ll focus here on marriages.  

Marriages are sometimes in need of repair, and some of the steps needed to improve the relationship are not always pretty.  In fact, they can be cumbersome, tedious, awkward or unromantic, and also quite a contrast to the natural, spontaneous and pleasant flow we hope for in our relationships.  But, like scaffolding, they’re essential to restore or improve the state of the relationship.

Here are five examples of scaffolding-esque steps – some big and some small – that couples may take to renovate their relationship:

1.     Setting a reminder to check in with each other  

A simple check-in is a small measure that can go a long way in letting your spouse know that you are thinking of them and care about them.  Even though it’s easy and usually very appreciated, remembering to do this can sometimes get lost in the busy shuffle of daily life.  So, it’s entirely okay, and even encouraged, to set a reminder on your watch or your phone to text or call your spouse each day.  Some people push back on this tactic saying that it’s entirely contrived and therefore ineffective.  I recommend trying it anyway because any new measure taken to increase connection in a marriage is likely to yield positive results.  In addition, the very act of setting a reminder for the purpose of increasing communication and connection signals that improving the relationship is a priority. Once the check-in and its benefits become part of your routine, the reminder can be retired.

2.     Writing a list of tasks to be done

Sometimes, division of household responsibilities becomes a major source of tension in marriages.  When that happens, it may help to convene a meeting where all the tasks are written down and then divided up. It’s a dry, humorless activity, but one that can spare a lot of agitation. 

3.     Couples Counseling 

Obviously, this is a bigger one.  It involves a significant investment of time and money.  And it requires getting past the belief that seeking counseling “means we have a problem.”  But, like scaffolding, it's sometimes needed to perform a critical repair.  Couples who find a capable therapist and engage in the counseling process emerge from the experience not only with ruptures repaired but with a stronger, newly refurbished relationship. 

4.     Providing a Script

Are there times when you’re looking to hear specific words from your spouse - such as an apology or a compliment - but your spouse is just not saying them? Here’s a strategy that dramatically increases your odds of hearing those words: simply tell your spouse what to say and when to say it! True, there’s nothing more contrived than that, but sometimes it's better to ask for what you want and get it than to simply never get it.  This practice also yields additional dividends: your spouse demonstrates a willingness to meet your needs and learns more about you in the process.  As your spouse learns more about your individual emotional needs, scripts can be phased out.

5.     Uncomfortable conversations

If you’re married, expect to have uncomfortable conversations with your spouse from time to time.  These conversations can relate to in-laws, finances, or any other topic which couples tend to avoid because of the differences in opinion or negative feelings that are likely to arise. Rather than avoiding such conversations and risking that the sensitive matter will arise in a less-controlled atmosphere, wise couples plan the conversation for a calmer, quieter moment.  They also preface the conversation with an acknowledgment that the topic is uncomfortable, state their intention to resolve the issue despite the discomfort, and affirm their commitment to remaining a “team” despite the feelings or differences of opinion that may arise. 

Perhaps the most important thing to remember about scaffolding is that it’s temporary (except maybe in New York City). It’s erected for a specific purpose and once the work is done it’s disassembled, leaving behind a well-kept building.  Couples who have the courage to adopt uneasy but needed interventions won’t need to do so forever.  The steps they take bring growth, new habits of mind and deed, and broadened awareness to the relationship. 

Undertaking these tasks requires effort and commitment, but the results are well worth the investment!