From Good Intentions to Real Connection (Part 3 of Winter Series 5786)

In our previous post, we took a close look at some of the feelings swirling inside our fictional friend Gabby, which led to a clash between her and her fictional husband Gavi.  We saw that in conversations with Gabby, he spoke primarily about himself and his achievements and we saw that though he bought gifts for Gabby, they seemed not to achieve the results he intended.

We saw that Gabby felt hurt by Gavi’s apparent indifference toward her.  Her hurt led to anger, which eventually erupted outward.  After endeavoring to better understand Gabby’s inner experience, we’re now shifting the magnifying glass to Gavi.

We mentioned earlier that we’re working with the assumption that - despite Gavi’s ostensibly poor spousal performance until this point -  his intentions are positive and the hurt he’s inflicted has been entirely unintended.  This leads to an obvious question, which is asked about many couples and which many people pose to themselves about their own relationships: How does it happen that a spouse, intending to create love and connection, prompts conflict and hurt instead?  

Often, one key to answering this question can be found in an individual’s past.  We’ll use Gavi’s past to illustrate this point.  To be clear, though, recognizing behavioral patterns and beliefs learned in childhood and how they affect present relationships is a process that occurs over time, with directed attention and often with the help of another person.   Here, for the sake of learning and reflection, we’ll present a condensed version of what this process could have looked like for Gavi.  

A Look at Gavi’s Past

Gavi recalled growing up in a home of “high-achievers.”  He described working hard to achieve good grades in school, to expertly play musical instruments, and to be a good son to his parents at home.  He recalled his family’s home as “loving,” wherein his parents showed their love for him through compliments and rewards for jobs well done.  Some of Gavi’s less pleasant memories included incidents of failure, whereupon he encountered his parents’ disapproval.

Gavi took some time to reflect on these recollections and the impressions they left.  Over time, Gavi came to understand that as he grew up, and without realizing it was happening, he had internalized certain beliefs about relationships.  One of those beliefs was that love must be earned by performing, impressing, and giving.  Gavi carried this belief into adulthood and eventually into his relationship with Gabby.  When he met Gabby, he was enamored by her qualities and together they enjoyed a relationship characterized by joy, mutual values, and connection.  As their marriage took shape, Gavi’s earlier-learned beliefs about relationships began to dictate his behaviors in Gabby’s presence.  For Gavi, that meant going out of his way to impress Gabby, such as by calling her attention to his achievements and giving her presents.  He mined each day’s experiences for opportunities to elicit compliments or praise from his wife.  In Gavi’s mind, he was doing what was needed to express his love and ensure that Gabby loved him back.

Gavi was so convinced that he was doing the right things in his relationship that he missed signs that his efforts were entirely missing the mark.  While Gabby did genuinely love Gavi and wanted to love him back, she was repeatedly stung by Gavi’s apparent self-absorption.

This snippet illustrates a case of a well-meaning individual who was earnestly trying to build his relationship, only to see his efforts backfire when his wife ended up feeling hurt and angry.  The relationship came to be characterized by frustration, disappointment and angst in place of connection and joy.  Couples like Gabby and Gavi find themselves genuinely perplexed by how a relationship that seemed so promising ended up so conflict-ridden.  Moreover, they feel that they’re caught in a trap they can’t escape. 

The good news here is that couples like Gabby and Gavi can break out of their perceived trap and reset their relationship.  As always, connection correction requires communication. Here, too, we will present a condensed version of the corrective communication that could occur between Gabby and Gavi over the course of many conversations.

A Look Ahead

Gavi told Gabby that he truly cares about her and cherishes her love.  He shared with her his newfound understanding of himself; specifically, that he had been seeking to attain her love by impressing her, rather than by engaging with her.   He surmised that his tendency to talk about himself was an attempt to earn her love, just like his gift-giving.  He also acknowledged that his behaviors, although well-intended, left Gabby feeling hurt.

Gabby responded by expressing her appreciation to Gavi for vulnerably sharing his emotions and his new understandings of his behaviors.  At Gavi’s invitation, she further elaborated on her perception of Gavi’s behaviors, her own experience, and her desire to be truly seen and heard for who she is, rather than for how she reacts to Gavi’s accounts of himself.

In the last stage of the conversation, both Gavi and Gabby made their emotional needs explicit and discussed ways that each one of them could comfortably meet the needs of the other.  

The case of Gabby and Gavi is instructive for many couples because it highlights that relationship-straining behaviors are often driven by hidden forces, such as childhood experiences or unrecognized emotional needs. 

Often, the path forward for a couple starts with each individual taking a close look inward or backward.