Freedom of Speech? The Art of Communicating Honestly and Responsibly

“You’re a selfish know-it-all!” Gabby exclaimed.  “I am not!” retorted Gavi.  “And your name-calling is NOT OK!” 
“‘Name-calling’? I’m just expressing how I feel.  I FEEL like you're selfish and that you think you know everything better than me!  Am I not entitled to my feelings? Isn’t that even what we’re supposed to do - be honest with each other about our feelings!?” 
 
The above exchange between Gabby and Gavi is not uncommon for a quarreling couple.  We know that Gabby’s name-calling doesn’t seem right, but sometimes couples or observers struggle to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong with it.  Isn’t Gabby right? Isn't it true that expressing feelings to your spouse is appropriate and even encouraged?  On the other hand, isn't Gavi right that name-calling is out-of-line?  Must he really be open to being insulted? 
 
Let's take a closer look at what makes this quandary so perplexing.  First, there’s a hidden misunderstanding here. Whether or how feelings should be expressed is an important question to address, and we’ll do so shortly. However, the first question to ask here is: Is it feelings that are being expressed or is it something else?  In our example, while there’s no doubt that strong feelings are whirling below the surface, what Gabby exclaimed was her opinion, not her feeling. 
 
Not everything that follows “I feel” is necessarily a feeling.  For example, “I feel like fruits at that store are way overpriced” is not a feeling, it’s an opinion; and so is “I feel like you're selfish.” 
 
Opinions have value, but they matter less to the emotional bond between husband and wife. More importantly, when the opinion is a label (e.g. “selfish”), it carries its own set of problems.  Labels invite defensiveness and counterattacks, corroding the lines of communication rather than strengthening them. 
 
Taking Responsibility for What We Say 
 
Still, simply distinguishing between feelings and opinions isn't enough to guide couples to communicate effectively. We’d still be missing something important if we counseled people that whereas opinions must “go through customs” before being let out, feelings get a free pass.  Why? Because even feelings, when not expressed with care, can be misunderstood, hurtful and ultimately damaging to a relationship.  Before sharing a feeling that may land with force, consider alternatives to the words that immediately rise to the surface, and consider introductory language to soften the eventual landing of the soon-to-be expressed feeling. 
 
Sometimes people say they have trouble framing their feelings so they will be hearable to their spouse.  If that’s the case, prepare for the conversation by reflecting on your intentions.  Try asking yourself the following two questions: (1) What is the reason I’m sharing this with my spouse?  (2) What is the impact it may have on him or her?   
 
Once you have the answers to these questions, it will be easier to find a way to get your feelings across the daunting divide. Remember, what’s needed isn’t necessarily great finesse or a grand vocabulary to ensure that the feelings are properly expressed.  A good way to safe-frame a feeling is to explain why you’re choosing to share this feeling and also to address the anticipated impact on your partner. 
In other words, be explicit about your intentions, the outcome you’re hoping for, and the outcome you’re aiming to avoid. 
 
Here’s an example:  “With your sister’s wedding coming up, I’d like to share with you the feelings that I’m experiencing at this time.  Not because I want you to do something different, but because it matters to me that you understand the mixed feelings that are gathering inside of me right now.  I know discussions about our families can be sensitive. My intention isn’t to criticize, but for you to better understand me so we can navigate the coming events as a team, together.” 
 
So, to answer the question we (or Gabby) started with: Yes, it’s important to express feelings, but it must be done responsibly. 
 
Beyond answering Gabby’s question, we can offer the couple a more constructive way of communicating. Perhaps Gabby is feeling overlooked, taken for granted, or patronized by Gavi.  Those feelings are unquestionably legitimate.  The task before Gabby now is to convey her feelings - not her judgments -  in a way that they can be heard and understood. At the same time, the task before Gavi is to truly listen to his wife, mindful of her sincere effort to improve their relationship. 
 
It’s a tall order, but it’s also the type of hard work through which couples grow stronger.