Apologies That Heal vs. Apologies That Shield

Sometimes, the apologies we extend never reach their mark. Let’s take a look at some examples that can help us understand why. We’ll start by listening in on a conversation between Shim and Shev. See if you can spot and explain what went wrong:

Shev: I wish you would have told me you’d be coming home later than usual last night. Had I known, I wouldn't have planned to meet up with my friends by seven o'clock. By the time I arrived, they had been waiting for me for a while.

Shim: I know, I’m sorry. I’m always messing things up. For you and for everybody. I’m sorry you have to put up with my recklessness.

What happened there? Let’s break it down: Shev complained that Shim hadn't been in communication with her, resulting in her arriving late to meet her friends. Her late arrival may have affected her friends’ plans, may have limited the time she was able to spend with her friends, or may have caused her embarrassment.

Shim responded by first saying he was sorry - which was a good start - but then continued with exaggerated self-deprecation. That’s not only a problem for Shim, it’s a problem for the relationship.

In this scenario, Shim can’t undo the harm done to Shev’s night out with friends (of course, if there’s a way he can, then he should). Nonetheless, his neglect to communicate with Shev hurt her and created a rupture between them. Relationship ruptures are usually best repaired with apologies. Proper apologies allow for repair when they include taking responsibility for the offending behavior and acknowledging the consequences experienced by the one offended. The primary focus of a proper apology should be the offended party. Accordingly, to repair this rupture, Shim’s attention should be centered on Shev and the distress she experienced the previous evening. The apology should include acknowledging the repercussions of Shim’s mistake and, if necessary, should allow Shev to share and elaborate on her thoughts and feelings about what occurred and why it matters to her.

However, Shim’s response accomplished something entirely different. By verbally flogging himself in her presence, he diverted the attention away from Shev and toward his own struggles.

There’s another reason that Shim's reply was problematic. We’ll be better suited to identify it after looking at another possible response Shim might have offered:

Shim: I didn't realize that. Sounds awful. I’m so sorry that I wrecked your entire evening with your friends.

Indeed, another problematic reply, but for a slightly different reason. In this example, Shim didn’t turn the attention to himself; rather, he exaggerated the consequences of his mistake. What makes this problematic is that the extreme inaccuracy in his response is likely to prompt Shev to respond with something that starts with “you didn’t wreck my entire evening, I was still able to enjoy…” In other words, Shim’s reply effectively induced Shev to soften her initial complaint.

The same is true in our first example. Shim’s overstated reply set up a situation where Shev felt compelled to change course and tend to Shim’s expressed feelings of inadequacy. We can imagine what may come next: Shev may attempt to build up Shim by praising him; she may altogether rescind her (legitimate) complaint; she may even feel regret for making Shim feel bad about himself to the point that she apologizes for speaking up altogether!

It’s also important to note that in both variations of Shim’s response, the problematic part of the apology is camouflaged as taking responsibility for his behaviors. In reality, though, the response serves Shim’s needs, whether by turning the attention to himself or inducing Shev to rescind or mitigate her complaint. Either way, in the end Shev’s need is not met and the rupture remains.

In truth, most people tend not to reply with responses as extreme as Shim’s. Still, everyone offers imperfect apologies some of the time, and often the underlying mechanisms are the same as Shim’s. Apologizing requires a willingness to be vulnerable, which for many people is not easy. Instinctively, we’re inclined to self-protect and maintain our perception of ourselves as right and good, whereas apologies require acknowledgment of our mistakes and flaws. Consequently, at least some of the time we’re tempted to insert into our apologies elements that shield us from the inherent “danger” or discomfort of apologizing. We may do this subtly, perhaps even without ourselves or the other party noticing. In our example, Shev may not be able to point to the problematic element of Shim’s apology, but she’ll likely be left with a lingering feeling of unease or unresolved resentment toward Shim.

If this is a pattern that repeats often, Shim and Shev can become a couple that’s in distress without being sure why.

If we’re to counsel Shim on improving his response to Shev, we’d suggest that he start with something like this: I’m sorry that I didn’t let you know I would be getting home late. I realize that it made you late and affected your evening with your friends. I also realize that it may have reduced the time you had to spend with them and may have caused you embarrassment.

Then, stop. Allow Shev to clarify or elaborate, and truly listen to her. Then, convey back to Shev your understanding of what she said. The conversation can end there or it can continue depending on what Shev still needs. Either way, the focus of this conversation is Shev. Shim’s feelings about himself are also important, but they belong to a separate conversation.

Remember: apologies can be simple, but they are not always easy; they require forethought and courage to be vulnerable. When done right, apologies not only create opportunities for repair; they can also become milestone moments of growth for a relationship.