Anna, a 35-year old, slim, petite and attractive brunette woman from Miami Beach had been hoping to find love for years. When she was in her 20’s men hunted her down, and she dated with complete confidence. She was often the one to say no, and never suffered a loss of opportunity for dating.
As she creeped closer to her 30’s, dating definitely became less frequent. As the dating frequency dropped, her anxiety about whether she would find love increased. Where she would ordinarily say no, she was giving guys much more of a chance. She found that the more she really wanted to get married, the harder she tried to please and appease.
The more rejections she got from men she was into, the more her confidence took a hit. Aggravation and agitation became normal for Anna. Even when she heard good things about a guy that ordinarily made her look forward to meeting him, she was immediately hit with anxiety.
As much as she wanted to just be able to enjoy the experience of being with a guy she liked and respected, it was super hard for her to separate fear and desire. It was as though desire invited anxiety. She couldn’t separate the two. This meant she could no longer enjoy herself.
After each date she found herself kicking herself for saying things that made her look anxious. She felt out of control and at her date’s mercy. Luckily, most of the time she was able to catch herself before saying things that would reveal her anxiety, but occasionally she would slip up.
A New Approach
Lots of people develop a pattern of dating where they put themselves on a hind foot rather than putting themselves up front and center. In doing so, they put themselves at a disadvantage. Putting yourself in the underdog position in dating makes you appear less confident.
The less confident you come across, the less attractive you appear. We can’t let that happen… So here’s a list of things you feel like asking when you’re anxious and an alternative way to ask that will not only put you in the confidence seat, but will actually make you more attractive.
|What you want to ask?||How to say it and sound confident?|
|Are You Going to Disappear on Me?||I like you…I hope you’ll stick around.|
|How do I know you really like me?||I hope you like me as much as I like you.|
|When will I see you again?||I’d really like to see you again soon.|
|Are you attracted to me?||You’re Cute!|
|Are you going to prioritize work over me?||I put my close relationships ahead of everything else in my life, how about you?|
|When things get too intense, will you run?||When things feel hard, I like to talk it out, how about you?|
|Do you like the same things I do?||My ideal date is____________ how about you?|
Becoming Vulnerable and Taking a Chance
As you can see, all of the alternative responses require you to reveal how you feel. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable and share how you feel about them first, it usually inspires them to feel more positively about you. It sends the message that you’re in touch with your feelings and it communicates that you’re a risk taker.
All relationships involve risk. If you feel fairly risk averse or can’t imagine yourself saying anything from the right column, find out what’s getting in the way. Is it past hurt? Lack of belief they’ll respond the way you want? Fear their response may be painful?
Either way, guts are gorgeous. Whether you’re a guy or a girl, you gotta have guts to be gorgeous. Sometimes it’s just a matter of fake it ‘til you make it, but if faking it feels too phony, you have to find another way to make it more real.
The more real you feel, the more you’ll put yourself in the driver’s seat when it comes to dating. The more positive experiences you have the more you’ll get your mojo back and feel like you got this!
The better you are at taking chances, wearing your wounds on the chin, the more likely it is love will follow you!
If anxiety is getting in your way, I’d love to hear about it. Drop me a line at: [email protected]
Tags: anxiety, dating, relationships, saying the wrong thing